October 2024

“If I could put time in a bottle,” (Jim Croce), I would go back to John Michael’s childhood – oh, my child, how you loved to laugh.  Sure, there were times that everyone feels some sadness, but John Michael had joy – pure, sweet joy in his heart…. from the time he was born, he brought nothing but love to all he knew.

I’ve written so many times about the impact he made on other’s, but his impact on my life shines strongly in my mind as I write.  He changed my life, gave me a new purpose, and filled my heart with a love I didn’t know was possible.  I loved being his mother, his mom, his mama.  He believed in me, thought I could solve all the mysteries of the world, and depended on me to make “everything” alright.  But I couldn’t; I was helpless when he became sick.  All I could do was pray, but I found the words hard to come out as I just knew God would not take him from me.  So instead, I spent almost eight weeks sleeping every night in a hospital room with him, doing my work on a laptop I would set up on his bed.  I read to him; I sang to him; I rubbed his feet; I climbed into the bed with him to scratch his back.  I questioned the doctors, begged them to allow me to take him home so I could feed and take care of him. I even took him out of the hospital one day to take him for a ride – but, it drained what little energy he had. I couldn’t save him. 

The rest of the story…. okay, part of the story.  October 11, 2009, my life changed forever; it’s as if all the blood in my body drained, too.  Then, miraculously, I could hear John Michael talking to me – first in a dream, then in my heart.  I knew I had to be strong because John Michael knew nothing else but a strong mom who tried to make every “boo-boo” go away, no matter how old he was.  I knew I had to find joy as John Michael would expect no less.  I knew I had to get up each and every morning and pray for God to give me a purpose, to put me in someone’s life that I could help. 

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago.  I was asked to give my testimony at a “Women Who Pray” retreat.  Those who know me well will agree that I never turn down an opportunity to speak, but at a prayer retreat?  I pray, but would not call myself a prayer warrior.  I began to reflect on the first time I was asked to give my testimony – at a Baptist church in Paducah, Kentucky.  I loved my message as I spoke about my daddy’s first bout with cancer and the miracle healing that took place.  I felt I lived a blessed life and owed it all to God.  I might even go so far as to say that I almost felt privileged to speak of the healing – like I had bragging rights.

Easter 2014, I was asked again to give my testimony at Life Church – this time it would be recorded to be shown at a couple of services.  How different was my testimony; this time, it was a “coming out of the wilderness” story, because now I knew the power of a higher power to bring you out of the depths of darkness and give you strength you didn’t know existed…. as I had, by then, had my child die. It was a story of a journey no one could take for me; it was a story of finding joy in the middle of a broken heart that would never be whole again; it was a story of finding purpose in living when you no longer feel you can go on, but you do, by the Grace of God.

September 2024, I am preparing to once again give my testimony.  With a smile in my heart, I again revived parts of my life as I told my story; but this time was different.  It was a story of redemption.  The past four years have been tough to say the least, but they have also been filled with a joy I am unable to describe. When I now talk of being “blessed” it’s different – I now have this deep conviction that is boosted by the knowledge that we are all “sojourners” together.  We all have our cross to carry; we all have our burdens to surrender; we all have the capacity to let love rule along this journey.  The beauty of my testimony this time is that I don’t know where my journey will take me in the coming years, but I do know that that with redemption comes vision and with vision we have the courage to seek our way, God’s way – both boldly and joyfully.

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

be all else but naught to me, save that Thou art;

be Thou my best thought in the day and the night,

both waking and sleeping, Thy presence my light. 

(Byrne/Hull)