My heart is heavy; the heaviness permeates my body….. even my soul. Fourteen years might as well be fourteen hours. The month I dread…. October ….. the date I dread… the 11th. My mind tells me to focus on the positives… the wonderful life John Michael had.  This day will pass; my joy will return, for joy is not a feeling; it is a mindset, an inner peace that only comes from intentional living and great faith.  Faith…. a paradox of sorts that includes trust of “what lies before me is the best to come”….. And the bit of fear of knowing I am alone in that quest.  I know people will say “your faith will guide you; God will guide you; we are for you”  But, in all reality, that quest or leap of faith can only be taken alone….  

I take the same steps each year…. Placing a wreath on the cross by his gravesite, writing this blog in hopes of making myself feel better, but also to give a message to those who may be new to this journey of living after losing a child.  I so want it to be a message of hope that as the years pass, you (and I) can find a sense of peace. But, in reality, that sense of peace quietens only a portion of your heart.  The other part of your heart screams “I miss you more with each passing day.”  The other part of your heart also becomes heavier. I read somewhere that the day people no longer say your name,you are forgotten.  I hope a day never goes by that I don’t speak John Michael’s name; I hope others will still remember this child of mine who brightened my every moment. 

Many ask me why I still work…. I don’t really work at school; I take a journey each day with kids who are looking for their own path, who put their trust in me that I will take care of them.  So, the paradox; maybe the only way we find our own faith is through serving others, maybe this faith of “sights unseen” is actually seen through our actions every day… in how we treat others, how we look at others, and how we put our trust in knowing that when we serve, our eyes are opened to see His handiwork, His Angels, His plan for us, and most of all, His peace.

My musings this October 11 may not be soothing; perhaps they are just thought provoking or maybe they are just the ramblings of a mama.  But, they allow my inner soul to continue in this life, winding down the path of faith, the journey to see my child in everything I do as I someday reach my final destination.