Ghockeymom's Blog

Dear John Michael,

What a glorious birthday for you this year……. to spend it with your daddy and Uncle Bubby.

Selfishly, I write that my heart is so heavy. When you left this world, my heart broke in half; no words can describe the missing piece that will never be whole. Your daddy always made sure to take care of me on days that were so hard – I smile when I think how on Mother’s Day, he always tried to find animals with new babies, especially baby calves, as he knew what joy it brought me to see a mama and a baby…… then, on your birthday, he made sure that we always did something we enjoyed doing with you as a family, whether it was eating somewhere special, cooking your favorite food, or watching a movie. No words today can say how much I also miss your daddy, especially as I remember the day you were born.

This year on your birthday, I will be at school, conducting a training (my favorite thing to do!)…. how hard it has been this past week as I packed up your daddy’s classroom and read his notes he left in his desk drawer – even a note where his computer password was written brought an overwhelming sadness.

I climbed in the car one afternoon of working at school – immediately, “Angels Among Us” came on the radio. Yes, a God Thing. It brought back such precious memories of you learning to play it on the piano at age 11 and singing it in church at age 12. You loved that song! Yesterday, I worked at school again, and the tears started to flow as I left – I started the car, and there it was again – “Angels Among Us.” A God Thing. Strange about those “God things” – every moment, every day is a God thing, but sometimes it takes a song to remind us that God is always in control and is taking every step with us, big or small.

Several years ago, Uncle Bubby shared your story with Becky Hobbs who wrote this beautiful song – at his music tribute, she sang it and mentioned how it had impacted you. Yes, there are angels among us; may we always be thankful for those who bless our lives.

I am so blessed with wonderful memories……. July 27, 1984, “a beautiful baby boy” who loved life was born ……. whose favorite book was Last of the Mohicans – or was it Fried Green Tomatoes? …… oops, that was your favorite food! Your favorite movie was Dances with Wolves or was it Lonesome Dove? Your favorite television show was Everybody Loves Raymond as you said his mother reminded him of me. You would laugh just talking about it. I miss going to the movies with you, discussing books, scratching your back, and laughing. The joy you brought to your mama and daddy is only measured by the joy you gave to others – you touched so many lives.

I will love you forever and ever – you will always be my baby.

Love,

Your mama

This is the day

the Lord has made;

let us rejoice

and be glad in it.

PSALM 118:24

Today marks the day ten years ago that during the early morning hours, John Michael Gore took the hand of Jesus with his famous beautiful smile as he was at peace with the world.  Hand in hand, Skip and I took our longest walk — through the halls of the hospital and out to the car, not knowing the journey we had ahead.

Last week, another young man left this life – memories began to flood as we were told of his passing, as he had played along-side of John Michael “on the ice” all through junior high and high school.  I have waited to contact his parents – I know too well what lies ahead for them and wanted to wait until this weekend was over.

I never want to see this date as an “anniversary” or really want to count it as years, but, yet, I want to remember this date as it is the last time I held his hand and kissed him – a day our hearts broke forever, never to be whole again.  And, then, I want to remember our wonderful family and friends who clung to us, not only that first week as we celebrated his life, but, also, those first few years that actually have become a blur – how did we make it? It was those friends and family, and the grace of God that held us together, to remind us how blessed we were to be chosen as John Michael’s parents and be able to have great memories of a charmed life we three led together.  The Grace of God – words we do not take lightly; it is because of Him that we go forward and reminds us of the great responsibility we have to carry on the life of our child – to honor his life.

My message in today’s blog – nothing can compare to the love you have for your child; nothing can ever soothe the ache of your broken hearts; and, nothing can prepare you for the longing you have to see your child, hear his voice, and look into his eyes.  But, the good news is that this love is what defines us and prepares us every day to go forward in serving the One who made us all, doing His work to hopefully make a difference in the lives of those whose paths we cross.  Jesus is our anchor and guards our soul.

Dear John Michael,

 Not a day goes by that your mama doesn’t have you on her mind; the tears start to flow, and, then, I say to myself , “no, you have too much to do – you must forge ahead, with a smile on your face and love in your heart and remember that those famous words of yours, ‘that’s my mama’ ”  – so, see, my world still revolves around you and always will.

You are missed. You are loved. You are our baby boy always.

A few weeks ago, I was surprised with a birthday party, bringing together my sister and two nieces and many of my friends – some from childhood, some from high school, some from college, and then “new” friends that I’ve made as an adult.

I truly believe that there are no chance meetings – all those who cross our path have done so for a reason; reasons that we may never know.  But, those who were with me last month to celebrate my birthday, not only crossed my path, but stopped along to be there during my darkest days – those days before and after John Michael left this earth for a Heavenly gathering. So many others were at our sides, with their presence and many with their prayers from afar, but I mention the ones today as they reminded me that during our darkest hour, angels are always near.  As we approach this Easter season, I think of the One whose darkest hours, wiped away all fear and brought us hope, as well as a promise that we are never alone; for He, our Lord and Savior, gives us mercy and hope as we wait for that day we enter the gates of Thanksgiving, reunited with those we love and a God who showed us the Power of the Cross….. Love and Forgiveness…. And life, everlasting.

Dear John Michael,

Happy Birthday!  I can’t begin to express how much I cherish the memories of every one of your birthdays!  Dad and I always try to do something on this day that honors what you loved to do on your birthday: going to a movie, eating your favorite foods, traveling somewhere….. This year we will eat your all-time favorite fried green tomatoes made by your Aunt Karen – oh, you loved the book, the movie, and the tomatoes! We will also honor another part of your life that meant so much to us – service to others…… whether it was doing mission work in the southern Appalachians, working with a missionary from Ireland for VBS, volunteer mowing for the elderly, or teaching ice hockey to inner city children….. our treasured memories of are you putting others first.  So, on your day, your cousin Valerie and her three sweet little boys – Knox, Ryder and Jack –  whom you love – will volunteer their service as our church gets a home ready for a missionary family from India.  I can’t think of a better way to honor your life.

Our hearts cry; our hearts rejoice

Our hearts are blessed

Time stopped; time went on

Our hearts are blessed

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of John Michael

“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.”  Mark 10:45

July 27, 1984 – a day that changed my life forever – when John Michael Gore entered this world.  He was the center of our life for 25 years. October 11, 2009, was the saddest day of my life when John Michael Gore took the hand of Jesus.  Though I knew he was at peace as he left, most of my heart went with him. My solace has been that even when he must have known that his time was short, his faith in God was never shaken.  My beautiful boy, whose life was a testimony to his love for his family, his friends, and those less fortunate, never faltered in his love for Jesus.

Dear John Michael,

 Eight years……. It is does not get any easier; in many ways, it is much harder as each day passes.  Not a day passes that I don’t shed a tear, wishing I just had one more moment to give you a hug, scratch your back, rub your feet – or hear your voice. I catch myself trying to remember every mole on your body, the shape of your toes, your slightly crooked bottom front teeth, your infectious smile…. I know that sounds silly, but I don’t want to ever forget anything about you!  You were my life, my reason to get up every day….. We lost our son, our best friend…. and, the one who inspired us to be better than we were, to be kind to all, and to love every moment of every day.

 This year I’m suddenly at a loss for words that flow freely….. my heart hurts and my body aches as I remember the wonderful life we had with you.

We will go forward, always, because you would expect nothing less from us.  You would be the first to say, “my mama never quits and never stops believing in the best of everyone and every situation.”

We love you, our baby boy you will always be.

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  ISAIAH 43:2

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  ISAIAH 43:2

Dear John Michael,

This October I want to focus on some very courageous people I’ve been blessed to cross paths with this last nine months. Some are old friends; some are new friends; some are family; some are people I don’t know well, but whose path suddenly veered on mine. I’ve heard someone say and I truly believe it… There are no chance encounters in this world.

When I think of courage, my thoughts automatically turn to you as you are the embodiment of courage in my mind. I’ve spoken so many times about the year you were in 4th grade – waiting to go into the school for a “reading lock-in.” I dropped you off – then as I watched several boys scuffling not far from where you were standing, you stood alone – anxious to read all night, and so secure in standing, following the instructions to stay in that one place. My thoughts rushed to me – “it takes a lot of courage to stand alone.” And, stand alone, is something we all have to do at certain moments in our life.

“It takes a lot of courage to grow up and become you really are” e.e. cummings

So who crossed my path?
• Neighbors who loved us no matter what was happening
• An elderly widow who stepped out on faith for us
• Friends texting, emailing, and calling to see how we were, never ceasing
• New friends who didn’t really know us, but who loved us anyway, praying without ceasing
• New friends who became life-long friends… Now joined by “ties that bind”

“It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up for our friends.”

• A mother picking out flowers for her son’s service – I volunteered to deliver the flowers to the church as she was from out of town and didn’t know how they would get there
• A mother sharing about her son’s 4-wheeler accident that took his life a year ago.
• A young girl picking out flowers for her mother’s funeral, with all the planning left to her as she was the oldest child – just 19 years old herself, but picking out each flower that she thought would make her mother smile
• A mother and daddy planning their only child’s service – their son. Too close to my heart this was….

“The most painful moments and memories eventually lead to the greatest strengths and growth in life.” ― Kemi Sogunle
I am humbled by all the courage I’ve had the privilege of seeing … And, the common thread is that it’s courage wrapped in relationships. Last week, as Dad and I began listing all the positive things that had happened in our lives the past year, relationships kept coming to us… Relationships with our friends, with our family, with each other, and, most of all, with God; we are truly blessed.

One more year without you… does time heal…does time make it easier? No, but time does allow relationships to grow and new relationships to join our journey.

Courage to love, courage to live, courage to die…. Your courage sustains us.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
We love you, our baby doll,

Your mama and daddy

Dear John Michael,

I just received a phone call from Grandma….. she wanted to read me a card you had sent her. For some reason, it suddenly appeared in a drawer she had opened. The postmark was July 1999. You were writing it in the car, telling her we were on our way to an ice hockey camp in Minnesota, but were traveling through Wisconsin getting ready to stop at a “cheese place.” You went on to tell her we had hooked up a tv in the suburban so you and Will Rivard (“a cool friend”) could watch movies on the trip. You were telling her and Papa about the mission trip you had just returned from in the Appalachians – said you were staying in Tennessee, doing Vacation Bible Schools in Virginia and eating in Kentucky “how neat” – and, all about the friends you had met there. You described the place you were staying in how it wasn’t very clean, but every day you would drive for Vacation Bible School – your group had gone to church on Sunday at a church so small that the offering was only $15 – and, you sure hoped to go back next year.

The best of all about this card was that you said it was July 22 and in only five more days it would be your birthday!

Coincidence…. I don’t think so. She went on to say after she read it, she looked up at the television and a scary movie was coming on (and, you know you liked to watch scary movies with her). Coincidence…. I don’t think so. A reminder of how special you were – always wanting to do something for those less fortunate – and, how you loved your Grandma and Papa so much.

I’ve been so brave today… no tears. And, I usually have tears every morning for you. But now, they stream down my face.

You were the best thing that ever came into my life. I loved you more than life itself – and, still do. I can still see every freckle, every mole and place them on your body in the exact place. To hold your hand again, to rub your feet again, to scratch your back again, to hear you say, “that’s my mama” again…. To hear you laugh just one more time.

Some day, Dad and I will be with you again. For now, I hold you tightly in my mind and heart. Your spirit surrounds me.

July 26, 2014

Thirty years ago, Skip and I sat, or rather he sat, and I propped myself up in a hospital bed, waiting for the birth of our baby. I say baby, because we didn’t know if he would be a girl or a boy…. really expecting a girl. At noon, Skip changed the channel to All My Children – he had just returned from Braum’s with cheeseburgers and shakes for the nursing staff and us. Stillwater Medical Center surely hasn’t forgotten us – for a week we had been there and eating quite well – and, sharing our food with all.

This is our fifth summer to celebrate John Michael’s birthday without him…… as I have written in previous blogs, birthdays were always a celebration – I can remember every cake, every party, and every person who attended – all the way back to his first. I started this countdown two weeks ago….. making homemade salsa – his favorite and then going to the movies – yes, a Disney movie ☺. So, tomorrow, we will do what we would have done if he were right here with us…. Go to church, eat a great Sunday dinner, and watch a movie. For our greatest times were those we three spent together.

Dear John Michael,

You loved celebrations! So thankful that we made any occasion a celebration, whether it was hanging out at home or traveling on a special vacation. Last week, I just know you were chuckling…. At a cemetery board meeting discussing the mowing and upkeep, I became just a little heated, speaking up about the sacredness of cemeteries and the responsibility we all have to keep them looking nice for anyone seeking peace – I even suggested the board take a “field trip to the cemetery” – so, there the board went – and, patiently listened as I talked passionately about what needed to be done. On our way home, Dad and I talked about how we just knew you were listening and laughing as you know I spent 25 years being passionate about everything you did – and, I was never at a loss for words to share my thoughts with anyone!  You would just say, “that’s my mama!”

So, tomorrow, we will head to church as up until the day you left us, you always found peace in the words of our Lord. You loved Sunday School – even in high school. You sought peace in your last days from the prayers of many, including the pastor who visited you every single morning while in the hospital. And, it is your peace that we draw our strength each and every day, but especially today and tomorrow as we remember the best day of our lives……. the day you were born – the best gift we will ever receive besides the day when we are taken from this life to join you in Heaven. Love, your mama

Two weeks ago, I was driving to Clayton to a cemetery board meeting….thinking “why did I volunteer for this?” Then, it occurred to me, “why not?” Some of my best memories of being a mom were volunteering to help with something John Michael was involved in….

Wyomissing, Pennsylvania: when no one else would volunteer, I said “yes” to being the Cub Scout Den Mom (only if moms would take turns each month helping me) – many thanks especially to Kathy Everline, who helped at almost every meeting. I fondly remember making dirt cake at the Everline’s after a meeting. I still have the recipe in John Michael’s handwriting. I’ll never forget though that Skip was supposed take the boys to Day Camp – something came up at Walmart, so off I went. Up in the woods north of Berks County, our first task was a scavenger hunt. On the list were mosquito eyeballs, a salamander, and a hemlock cone (state tree of PA, but I had didn’t know what one looked like). WE DID NOT WIN! Add to this list in Pennsylvania was soccer mom, baseball mom, and volunteer mom at Wyomissing Elementary School.

Moving to Tennessee and Kentucky, I soon added Webelo leader, 4-H leader, and Sunday School teacher. I’ll never forget going to 4-H Camp with 4th grade boys and girls! Beautiful camp grounds outside of Columbia, Tennessee….I had committed to teaching summer school at Dickson County High School, so I would get up early, drive back to Dickson, teach until noon and drive back to camp, do my leader duties, and spend the night trying to keep all the girls quiet.

As John Michael got older, I moved up with him…… chauffeuring the golf team to summer camp, chauffeuring JM to help little kids with ice hockey, traveling to Minnesota to hockey camp, cheering at football games, taking refreshments to ice hockey games, and, some of the best times….. accompanying the high school youth group on ski trips.

My last “job” was sharing the title with Skip as co-presidents of The University of Oklahoma’s Parent Association….

So, why would it not be fitting for me to take on the Cemetery Board…..ensuring that the hallowed ground of Stephens’ Cemetery is looked after with care and love. John Michael would expect nothing less of his mama.

Dear John Michael,

Nothing gives more pleasure these days than watching your daddy take care of the resting place of your beautiful body. He takes such care as he mows and weedeats, then cleans the Blair and now Gore monuments. I know that you are watching as we visit the peaceful surroundings of the Kiamichi Mountains and Potato Hills – we feel your presence with us. Your Aunt Karen and I will serve proudly in yours and PaPa’s honor.

Love,
Your Mama